Approaching the End

There is one thing that is constant in life and that is each and every day is a step closer to the end. The irony of this is that there is no specific date hence we never know when our time is up. It may be years from now or it may be just around the bend. So wouldn't it be a shame if you learned that today is your last. All your plans, dreams and aspirations that you've spent time planning and scheming are now rendered useless. Then you realize on how many opportunities have been lost and thrown away in your quest to achieve your master plan. Hence, live each day as if it were your last. Life is not an itinerary to be filled out, nor is it a war where everything is planned, like a game of chess, nor is it a game to be played around with.

Life is in appreciating the little things, discovering the little miracles that happen all around us, savoring the joy and pain, searching for love and beng loved, obtaining happiness, gaining peace.

Time is fleeting and the world will continue to spin long after we are gone. We are just passing through. All of us want to leave a mark in this world and that won't be done sitting down planning. There is only one rule in life and that is to live it.

Dead Man Walking

There goes the dead man walking,
He may seem alive and talking,
But he's cold and lifeless inside.
Constantly tossed and brushed aside.

Looking at the future, living in the past,
Searching for happiness that would last.
Yet, he runs into a rude awakening,
That he was meant for nothing.

A man who was destined for no one
Realizes that he is bound to none.
His heart is frozen, as hard as stone,
And he is doomed to roam this life alone.

It is hard to fathom of what could be said
Is there a future for the living dead
Life has no purpose if one has no dream
Like driftwood floating on an endless stream.

Seeing beyond

Thank you, for letting me inside your world.
You've led me outside my box,
See as life beyond my eyes unfold.
There's more beyond my wall of rocks.

I've learned that life is not all about me.
That happiness is not just satisfying oneself.
Nor is it just fulfilling one's fantasy.
There is more to gain by extending help.

There is a new warmth that grows inside.
A light sparked by a touch from you,
That will bridge this great divide.
Giving life for me to start anew.

The Truth

I've been feeling this way, but I can't believe it...

We just found each other, and I must admit it....

It shouldn't have happened, for my heart is weary...

Been down and out for months already...

Then you came like a ray of light...

That steals my heart like a thief in the night...

I'll go straight to the point like I know I should...

Even if I'm risking losing you for good...

I love you, more than I can ever show...

It's pure and true, as white as snow...

But will you take it, I know you won't...

For I am the wrong man, and you said don't...

But love is blind and cannot see...

It does not discern colors and what appears to be...

Rather it beats and feels emotions in the air...

So why does it seem to me that life's unfair...

I am in pain but I don't want this to end...

This i will endure and I will defend...

My life is an irony, and you are it's bane...

So what to do when your source of happiness also causes you pain...

Closing the Door

Tonight, I am closing the door,

Ending a chapter that has shook my core

Am putting my foot down

Getting ready to go to town

Discover what I've missed before

Maybe find a way to go off shore

It took eight months to end this song

Which for three years we danced along

I thought it would never end this soon

But our music has gone so out of tune

Nothing is keeping me now anyway

So I have no reason to stay

How can I move on to something new

If all my dreams are interrupted by thoughts of you

The fire has long died down

And I don't want to be your clown

Now it's my turn to be happy

As I think I deserve to be.

Second Chances

We often don't realize it, but life tends to give us second chances, contrary to popular belief, to allow us to correct past mistakes or to find happiness thought to be lost forever. But more often than not, we are often too down and out, still clinging too tightly to the hurtful present, too depressed to actually realize that life has been giving us that second chance, to smile, to find something to be happy about. Then we only realize that it has already occurred and we have blown it, and the opportunity is lost yet again.

TWO LESS LONELY PEOPLE

Blind leading the blind is what we have came to be.
Two hurting people meeting by sheer serendipity.
One, a veteran of countless wars, the other in a war she can’t see,
Yet we’re aiding each other through the toughest adversity.

Can’t remember how many times I’ve seen you cry,
Tears falling like monsoon rain from the gloomy sky,
Blackening the ground as water hits land with its impact,
Everytime you open your heart and take him back.

But as all things happen for an unknown reason
Something is as sure as the changes in the season,
Two broken halves could make a whole
And the world has two less lonely people to console.

Unusual Story

This is not your usual love story. The setting is early 1900’s, as the Philippines was just fresh from the Spanish-American War and the country seemed to be basking in an era of new hope for the future. In a small town in Batangas, there is a unusual story that has been passed on over the years and has finally reached the pages you are about to read. The protagonist in this story is named Josephine, she was a chinese-mestiza, only daughter of wealthy land owners. Her soulmate was a man named Enrico, who on his part was half spanish and was an English-trained educator.

Now, during these times, after being under the Spanish colonial year for three centuries, traditions were like unwritted rules that have been engrained into the Filipino psyche and to break them would mean social suicide and eternal banishment from family and society.

Josephine and Enrico met when they were only children, they were each other’s best friend. They have shared each other’s joys and sorrows, dreams and frustrations. From friends they became lovers and they swore that when they became of age, they would marry and live their lives as they always dreamed they would and love each other forever and a day.

But as they say, traditions get in the way during that era, for it was unknown to Josephine that she has been already been arranged in marriage on the day she was born to her distant cousin Edgardo, who as he was growing up has earned the reputation of being a braggart who lived off his family’s wealth. Upon knowing this, Josephine’s heart broke. She did not want to marry Edgardo, but she could not force herself to disobey her family for threat of being disowned, disinherited and disgraced. She told the sad news to Enrico who was downcast as well. Their dreams seemed to have crashed before their eyes. Enrico asked Josephine to elope but she had made her choice.

The marriage between Edgardo and Josephine took place on the next summer, and in the next five years Josephine has borne him two daughters. But this was mainly born out of duty to husband and family. In public, they seemed like a happy family. But away from the public eye, they lived separate lives. Though they cohabited well, they barely spoke to each other and even slept on separate beds. They had nothing in common, She however did not despise her daughters, but focused all her attention on them as to avoid her husband as much as possible. For at that time, he has inherited their family business and has taken to drinking.

Enrico on the other hand has obtained a college degree in education over these years in Manila away from the only girl he has only loved. He thought he could live far away and forget all about her over time, but fate seemed to have other plans for them. He was assigned to be the Supervisor for all the public elementary schools in their district in his hometown.

At first Enrico thought, that over the years he could move on and live peacefully in the same town. But on one fateful day, Enrico was walking along the newly paved highway. Behind him, he heard a small karitela coming from behind. He heard the boisterous argument of a couple. It so happened to stop right beside of him. As it turns out , it was Josephine and Edgardo. Edgardo seemed to be drunk and was berating at Josephine over some trivial matter. Enrico on the other hand didn’t want to get involved with the couple’s argument, but he was forcing himself from interfering especially when he saw Josephine crying.

At this time, Edgardo who was then oblivious of the people around them, suddenly took notice of the solitary audience. He knew who Enrico was and he suddenly saw red. He reached in for his gun and draws it out. Enrico saw this, and fortunately he too had a gun, as almost all men of the era had at the time. Shots were fired, and when the smoke cleared, one was unscathed, and the other was lying on the ground dead.

Enrico was arrested a few days after with the murder of Edgardo. It was a controversy for a time. The irony of the matter was that the only witness was the widow, Josephine. A hearing was set at the regional trial court and Josephine was put on the witness stand. Everyone thought it was a closed case. In an era where family and God was foremost in everything, nobody could believe what happened next.

When the prosecution lawyer asked Josephine on who killed her husband, she dutifully pointed to Enrico. Then when the prosecution asked what provoked this gun fight. Josephine then recounted the details, from her version of the story, it appeared that Edgardo started the altercation and Enrico fought back in self defense. Enrico was acquitted the same day.

To make matters an even greater surprise, Enrico and Josephine got married shortly after amidst a sea of raised eyebrows. But they didn’t look back. They too had two daughters of their own and lived the rest of their lives together and died in their old age well late into their 80’s.

This story may seem weird and atypical, but this story has been based on real events.

Missing You

I can’t understand what is this I feel inside

Seems so hard to fathom no matter how hard I’ve tried.

A burning desire, a yearning for you,

Growing deep within like a phoenix born anew.

A simple smile makes me see a thousand angels singing

A small touch makes my heart go pounding.

A tiny peck makes my soul jump in leaps and bounds.

It bewilders me how we communicate without sounds.

I feel a need to protect you from harm and shield you from pain.

Even if by doing so has nothing, not even love to gain.

Being near you makes me feel your heart beating through me

Apart from you simply drains the life force out of me,

Further beating this poor old battered soul.

For you’re too far away and with it, it’s my heart you stole.

Just what is this burning deep inside?

A yearning that I can not simply hide.

Telling it may be damning but it’s true.

The simple truth is I am missing you.

Promise Land

Six months in a desert,

Wandering and wondering.

Bearing the brunt of the morning sun

Enduring the bitterness of the cold nights.

Then one day fortune smiles on my hapless soul.

I stumble on the promise land.

A land full of indescribable joy,

Where the air is filled by the aroma of pure vanilla,

And there is an abundance of milk and honey.

I take a taste as I was hungry.

Then somehow I realized.

After enduring much suffering and pain,

In a desert with nothing to gain.

This land was not mine for the taking,

For I am a wandering nomad.

And I am not worthy.

Starts with a Kiss

I’d like to kiss you for a day

Feel the warmth of your embrace

Watch the world as time stands still

Be taken to a place so surreal

That’s a moment I hope would last

And mark the beginning of the end

Of living in dreams and fantasies

While making you and me a reality

I hope you’d take the chance to stay

And share with me forever and a day

FALLEN

Tonight I’ve fallen, and I don’t want to get up.
Except if it’s your loving arms that would come to pick me up.

For I’m sinking in a pit of bliss, engulfed by you,
Drowning in this sea of love, looking up at a sky of blue.

Even if I know that you don’t want me to be part of your world.
I’ll give you my love so freely as we lay down curled.

I’ll show you a life far from this misery and pain
I’ll carry you far away, and wash away that stain.

Marks of tears that have fallen over the years,
From a bleeding heart pierced by seemingly callous spears.

For I have fallen but I’m not pained
For where I’ve landed has love to be gained.

Drowning in the Rain

I’m crying in the rain
My life is in the drain
I reach my hand to you,
But you’re beyond my view.

Clouds loom dark in the skies,
Tears well-up in my eyes.
As they begin to fall,
My heart screams out a call.

As teardrops hit the ground
No one will hear the sound.
I stay still for a time,
I will never be fine.

Looking now in this world,
For a cliff to be hurled
To end now all this pain
You left me in the rain.


1:40PM
10/20/09

Beginning of the End

Today is the last day of forever,

I’ve been watching you, helpless

For I have been waiting for you

To signal me if it’s time for me to go.

But you insist to keep me in the background

Like an observant, living wallpaper

Mute and vulnerable where I am standing.

Though I wish I were participating

In a relationship worth keeping.

You’re riding a dream with no driver,

And you’re just letting it crash blindly.

Wasting your night before it’s started.

You have stolen my heart

But you don’t know what to be with it.

Now I’m taking it back and then I’m gone.

For I can’t stand to see you like this.

Chasing rainbows and dreams

Failing to see what is real

Right here in front of you.

The HOOVER EFFECT

I was talking to a female friend one day and she was quite heartbroken, as it turns out, she found out that her boyfriend had another woman. This friend of mine happened to be a very loyal and caring girlfriend and could not believe how such misfortune could come her way.

This reminded me of a story which I heard in high school, it was a humorous anecdote but there was a useful message between the humour. There was a story about President Hoover and his wife. On one of their trips, they visited a farm somewhere in the South. As they went into the farm, their gracious hosts, gave them separate tours, as President Hoover went off first to visit the cattle ranch while the missus went to see the poultry farm.

When Mrs. Hoover entered the poultry farm, her guide told her one of the peculiarities of the poultry farm. According to the guide, the poultry farm had more than 100 chickens but only one rooster. Mrs. Hoover was amused. The guide pointed out to her that despite having one rooster, it was a very prolific rooster as it could have sex for 20 hours straight practically non-stop.

“What?” Mrs Hoover exclaimed, “That’s amazing. Would you please pass that message on to the President when he passes by.”

Moments after, President Hoover came, and the guide obligingly told him of what his wife wanted to relay to him about the prolific rooster.

Like his wife, the President exclaimed surprise, and then asked, “How does a rooster have sex with a single chicken for 20 hours?

“Oh, you misinterpret Mr. President,” said the guide, “Our rooster has sex with a chicken for like 30 minutes or so, then moves on to another chicken, but he can do this for about 20 hours, sir. What is quite unique about it, too is that he doesn’t have sex again with the same chicken twice.”

Good old President Hoover gave a little chuckle and said, “Hope you told that to the Missus.”

Now, this is an entertaining story, am sure, but how does this relate to our story in hard.

The story I recounted above, although not in the original form but same in essence is now known as the “Hoover effect.” What it simply means, that for the ID – driven men, they are typically attracted to something new. Thus, the prospect of a new chicken will always arouse the male’s sexual drive.

It may appear funny to some but if you think hard about cheating men, this is the simple answer. As my friend told me a few months ago, on the scale of good, better and best, there is always something that would beat “BEST” anytime and that would be “NEW.”

Sometimes, even if a guy has the best girlfriend he could possibly have, it is not a surprise if he leaves her after a while for someone new, because the “new” will always have a fresh mysterious allure as shown by the Hoover effect. That is my version of the ugly truth.
So that my friends is my explanation on why guys cheat. But if you think that this principle doesn’t apply to girls, then you have another thing coming. But that is for another time and another story.

CONTRADICTIONS

What do you do when you see someone drowning,

And then you throw a life line,

Only to be surprised that the person doesn’t want to be saved?

What do you say to someone who cries for help

And yet defiantly refuses your aid?

What can you do when one asks for help obtaining clarity of mind,

But your heartfelt advice stubbornly falls on deaf ears?

What can you do for one who is slowly dying,

But refuses to be resuscitated.

It feels just like running on sand,

And you’re chasing after someone,

Who you know will just run away again someday.

As a true friend, what will you do when your friend asks you to go,

But deep inside, silently wants you to stay?

“How do you know if you truly love someone? “

I like writing about love, but I do not claim to be an expert on it. In fact, my love life has seen better days. But a friend of mine asked me the question, “How do you know if you truly love someone? “ And I had told him this. If you have to ask if you truly love someone then the answer is you don’t love that person at all. To add the quantifier “truly” would denote that there seems to be a quantity or degree to the amount of love one is capable of giving. Like turning on the AC and setting it at fan then low cool then high cool. Love is simply love, it is neither big nor small. You cannot measure a feeling and put it in a scale of 1 – 10, because once you start doing that, you will start comparing yourself with other people. Even worse would be, you would start comparing what you give to what you receive from a loved one. Or to top it all, start comparing love with your expectations of what love should be.


Thus, to love is simply to love, it is suffice in itself. Give it without counting, without asking anything in return and without comparing it with your ideas of what love should be. And if your love is pure, it can withstand anything.

Breaking the Egg

There are days when I just sit down, and reflect on things about life. As those who know me, I love silent afternoons sitting in a coffee shop enjoying a chai tea latte or an iced caramel breve with a cigarette in my hand while contemplating over this and that. On one such afternoon, I thought of why life sometimes is unfair. How we feel hopeless about the choices we are about to make. How problems seem so hard to decide on. I am pretty sure that at one time in our lives we feel we’ve been given the short end of the stick. This is not uncommon as no one promised us that life is fair and everything is all well. Then I remember a story I’ve read before, although the details of which are not too clear to me. I’ll try to recreate the events but it may not be as accurate as the original story, Although, I seem to recall it to be about a teacher, well for our case now, how about a philosophy professor in college whom during the end of the semester gave the most unusual final exam his students have ever seen.

So the professor said, “For today’s final exam, I’m going to set you with one problem, and the first person to solve that problem will have the distinction of passing this course with a grade of 1.0, while the rest will be given a grade of 3.0.”

Now everyone in the room loved his philosophy class during the semester, and yet they were tense with the anticipation of what is to come. Then, the professor brings out from a box, a crystal case encasing what seems to be a very rare and seemingly priceless jewel the size of an ostrich egg, reminiscent of the famous Faberge eggs.
Everyone was fascinated by the sheer beauty of it. This was followed shortly by a sense of confusion; as the professor said nothing and just watched at them stare at the pretty sight. Mixed thoughts and emotions ran through their heads. What did it mean? What is the riddle behind the jewel? Where is the problem? What kind of enigma is this?

Then suddenly, one of the male students walked deliberately to the front of the class. He took the crystal case in his hands, hoisted it up in the air and forcefully threw it to the ground, shattering the case and the jewel into a million pieces onto the floor.

There was a general sense of shock and surprise. Worriedly, they looked at the professor who just smiled and said, “Congratulations, you’re getting top marks this semester.”

Dumbfounded, the rest of the class wondered why, and the professor then asked the student to explain to the rest of the class why he broke the crystal case and jewel which was just a glass replica by the way.
To this, the student replied, “The professor said that he will give us a problem, and then he set a beautiful jewel in front of us. As I was thinking earlier, it may be beautiful and possibly expensive but it is a problem which had to be solved or in this case, taken out the picture, so I destroyed it.”

The professor clapped and remarked, “Well put young man, you deserve to get top marks indeed.” Then, addressing the class, “A problem is a problem, no matter how beautiful it may appear on the outside. It may take the shape of a beautiful ornate jewel, a delightful love affair that no longer makes any sense, or any course of action that should have long been abandoned and yet we continue to insist on it because it brings us comfort or a sense of routine.”

This brings me back to what I earlier thought of how life seems unfair, because this is usually followed by a feeling of helplessness. But this feeling of helplessness is spun because we do not like the options in front of us. But we should remember, no matter what the issue, if we are needed to make a decision, there are always options. The problem with the most of us is that we resist change in exchange of comfort even if it means we are not happy. A problem is a problem and should be met head on, with deliberation and determination. No matter how unappealing our options may be at the time, like shattering an ostrich egg-sized jewel, or breaking up with an illicit yet beautiful love affair. We are never truly hopeless and nothing is unfair unless we allow it to be.


by SIGH, MD
Oct. 17, 2009
1:30pm
written after a bum day in the clinic.

prayer to no one

Once again, I have loved and it was more intense but somehow the outcome was the same as that which it has preceded. I fall back and retreat into a world where I feel happy. Regression as one may call it but it is there where I pick up the pieces and gain some hold over my sanity. It seems my heart is breaking, no rather than breaking, it is re-molding. To what outcome, I do not know. Although, whatever the outcome, I must accept it and make the best out of it. The ghost is back but it does not want to be heard, but rather rest in peace. I may be lonely but at least I am free. My loneliness however doesn't grant me peace.

November 8, 1998

(this is another of the 1998 works... it's kinda crappy, i think... )

Thing called LOVE

Love is an entity, no one can comprehend
It is a mystery that man has tried to unlock since time began
The topic of classic poems and epic tales,
But simply put, love makes no sense at all.
It is something that holds all logic and rationality at bay.
Countless persons have exhausted every ounce of their sensibility
and energy to reconcile what various senses signal to the brain.
But to make it simple,

There are things unseen, but undoubtedly, they are there.
So one couldn't trust his sense of sight.
There are things unheard but are threre,
So once couldn't trust one's sense of hearing.
But if something is not felt, It is really not there.
That's the way love is, I suppose.
You only need to feel love to know love,
and nothing else.


(I found this from an old collection of things I wrote in 1998... 11 years before it joined my blogspot.)

FULL CIRCLE

All this time, all I wanted was happiness,

Deep down inside, there was a piece of me,

In search of love and beautiful serenity.

Then I found you, you made my life complete.

And it was perfect, like happiness for eternity.

Soon I learned, that nothing lasts forever,

Not even us, not even my perfect dream.

Suddenly we were over, you gave up on us so easily.

Never even fought for the love we shared.

Oh, my heart was breaking, into fragile little pieces.

I felt like I was dying.

I gave too much, until I had nothing left to give.

I was hollow deep inside.

A shell of just dark emptiness,

Just shattered pieces of me.

Gloom and despair became an integral part of me.

It then seemed like time moved so slowly,

Where moments crawled into hours

And hours bled into days.

I looked at these scars that you have left me.

I feel like I’ve lost my way.

I’m not bitter, but I was lonely, and I was crying.

For a time, I thought that this darkness has no end,

An eternal maze of never ending loneliness.

But through the confusion, I came into an epiphany.

Like a ray of piercing light through a darkened room.

I realized that I had to get away, and pick up the pieces

Of the shattered fragments of what I used to be.

I had to get away, to recuperate so that maybe someday,

I’d rise up from the ashes where you left me.

I’m tired of crying. It’s time I think of me.

Love myself for a change. Become the better man,

Show the world an upgraded version of me.

Then maybe then I could smile - I want to be happy.

Life is not over, no matter how hard it gets,

Despite the heartaches,

All one needs is a little faith,

That after a storm, one will see the calm,

See the silver lining or a rainbow in the clouds,

Its silent beauty will usher in some tranquility.

Then I’d realize that someday, there will come a time

When you least expect it, there you’ll find that

I’ll get better in time, and be whole again.

Who knows that maybe on that day,

I’ll find somebody, who will like the real me

See the beauty beneath my scarred face and extremities.

And if fate permits it, she’ll be there for me

Willing to share with me, forever and a day,

And hand in hand, we’ll walk the journey that has no end,

filled with love and contentment that will never rend.

And we will be happy, as life is supposed to be

For you and me.

Weathering the Storm

Sharing a night together,
through a cold bitter storm.
I see the real you,
You feel the real me.
Time stops for us momentarily.
There is a spark in the air
That ignites a flame.
And it burns so brightly
Piercing the darkness of the night.
Could it be put out by the rain?
Only time could reveal.
For what is important then,
Is just you and me,
And nothing else.

Human Touch

The warmth of human contact is like a temple of surprises,
where a million words are expressed with a simple touch.
there are no fancy words, just imagine with a simple action,
feelings are conveyed without having to say it.
The kindness of one's heart goes beyond words,
for words can spawn hypocrisy and lies.
But a little hug genuinely given could not be a lie.
For the warmth that it could give is unmistakable.
And a little kiss, opens up wells of emotions
that have been buried beneath years of pain and hurt.
A little random act of kindness could sometimes go a long way,
and sometimes could even save a life.

Love in an unusual place

I found Love, in such an unusual place.

It occurred at a time, when I was just staring in space.

It brought joy to my life, placed a smile on my face.

I hope it lasts for a while, for this is not a phase.

You're the light of my life, my guide out of this maze.

I found Love,it brought me out of this daze.

A love so true in such an unusual place.

Paradise Lost

In the Garden of Eden, when God made Adam, he then made Eve.

This story of Genesis, tells us all that needs to be.

For every man, there is a woman born to be his partner,

His equal – fated as soul mates forever and a day.

Together they lived in paradise and together banished from it.

Yet their union remains, intact and unwavering.

This tells us how a true marriage should be.

As all starts in paradise, pure and unencumbered,

Together they should live in a reality full of adversity.

Even if it means living beyond a paradise lost for all eternity.

How Do I Tell?

How do I tell you that I love you?

How do I tell you that you’re the only one for me?

I look into your eyes, I see someone new.

I’m crying deep inside, asking when it would be me?

I know I can never live without you,

But I guess that I really must have to.

No matter how long it will take for me to be fine.

You'll still be the only one who can make my world stop in time.

Meeting with Destiny

I woke up one day, on a day like any other. I was determined to continue my journey called Life. I walked in the company of old friends Work and Monotony. As far as I walked each day, the funny thing was I didn’t know where I was going. It was such an ordinary day and every purposeless step dragged on, feeling the pain and fatigue with each step. The days turned on to weeks, then to months and to years. Haggard and tired, I even had the misfortune of running into a nasty old bully called Problem who mugged me, pushed me and kicked me onto the muddy road, leaving me for dead. Then suddenly, I felt a friendly tap on my shoulder. Flat on my belly on that muddy road, I looked up, and my eyed couldn’t focus against the light. I saw a hand extended in help which I took. As I stood up, I saw the prettiest face I ever laid my eyes on. Seemingly like an angel sent to earth, I have just met Destiny. As it turned out, she was going my way too. We talked along the way with me sharing my story and me hearing hers too. It was wonderful company, learning new things along the way. I seemed to appreciate new things along the road on each passing step which to me seemed like minutes but in reality had spanned years. I had not felt the bumps and hurdles on the way since I had met Destiny and surprisingly I found out that what seemed like a never ending purposeless journey, now had a destination.

Sharing a day together

Let’s share a day together

It shall be pure bliss

We’ll get to know each other

And seal it with a kiss

A night of talking endlessly

For us will be sheer ecstasy.

Come a little closer,

Discover the real me,

See what love has to offer

Amidst all these insanity.

Come, hug me a little tighter

Kiss me a little longer

Don’t be scared to love me freely

I am yours eternally.

another place and time

I just want to be lost,

Simply taken away,

To another place and time

Where there is eternal sunshine,

And a gentle breeze lingering in the air.

Where happiness reigns,

And never sits still,

A place where people can see,

The beautiful side of me.

I want to be free

From all this suffering and pain,

In a place where love

In one’s heart remains.

I want to be lost,

And never be found,

Across the endless sea,

Not followed by pride and jealousy.

And discover love so true,

In this world that we’ll build anew.

But the question remains

Hanging over our heads

What your answer would be,

If I get the courage to ask,

“Would you want to be lost with me?”

Paano Pipigilan ang Puso?

Paano mo pipigilan ang pusong nagpupumilit maghanap ng isang tunay na pag-ibig?
Ano ang sasabihin mo sa isang pusong naghahanap ng isang bukas na may umagang kay ganda?
Di natin masasabi kung kanino natin ibibigay ang pusong naghahanap ng isang katuwang.
Kahit minsan ang kalalabasan ay masakit at tila mapait, biro ng isang tadhanang malupit.
Kahit alam natin na may pag-ibig na mali, ibinigay sa taong di pwedeng mahalin.
Madalas gusto ng puso na ipilit, ipaglaban at hinding hindi ipagpapalit.
Kaya bang turuan ang puso na magmahal, kung naibigay na ito sa iba?
At kahit tila alam na ika’y mabibigo at kahit saan mo tingnan ay hindi talaga maari.
Ipaglalaban mo ba ang pag-ibig na wagas sa taong di naman kaya itong ibalik?
Gaano ka katagal maghihintay hanggang kayang suklian ang iyong pag-ibig?
Maraming tanong, walang kasagutan pagka’t ang pag-ibig ay bulag at di nag-iisip.
Ang alam lang ng puso ay umibig na walang pag-aalinlangan at hindi humihingi ng kapalit.
Madalas man itong masaktan, di mo naman mapipigilan ito o kayang turuan.
Pagka’t pag tumigil ang puso, Wala na rin saysay ang mabuhay.



(I know am conversant in tagalog, but it's not my first language and I know that I don't write well in tagalog, but this is for a friend and I feel that tagalog words touch the heart better...)

Rain Shoes for Rain Dancing

I bought a pair of leather shoes a month ago, it isn't really expensive. It's made up of white and black leather with leather soles. I seldom buy new clothes and accessories but when I see something I really like, I buy it. But what's funny about this is that I've noticed that when I wear this particular pair of shoes, it suddenly rains like crazy, as in raining cats and dogs plus the whole animal farm. I thought it was bad luck the first time it happened. It's rather annoying to have new leather shoes wet on the first time you wear it out. So I became rather picky on when I wear this pair of shoes. But what I noticed is that even if it was hot, dry and sunny in the morning when I wear this pair of shoes, it suddenly rains hard in the afternoon. Second time I thought maybe it's just coincidence. Then a third time happened and a fourth and a fifth... it rains without fail. Thus I've been calling it my rain shoes. So today, I went out and it was apparently sunny but I can't help laugh when I backed the car out of the garage when the skies darkened and the clouds wept. I just don't know if the heavens are telling me that my shoes don't look good on me.

DUPLICITY

This might bang on some people’s sensibilities and I apologize in advance if the following will offend some of my friends…. I am not talking about you in case you might think it’s you… It may help you open your eyes though….if you reflect and contemplate on it real hard…. As in really, really, REALLY, hard…. But don’t pop a blood vessel on my account…. I won’t pay for your hospital bills….

I was reading one day when I came across this short story:
A Zen master had hundreds of disciples.
They all prayed when they were supposed to pray, except for one, who spent all his time drunk.
The master grew older. Some of the more virtuous students began talking about who would be the new leader of the group, the one to whom the important secrets of the Tradition would be passed on.

On the eve of his death, however, the master summoned the drunken student and passed on the secrets to him.
The other disciples were in uproar.
'It's shameful!' they proclaimed loudly in the streets. 'We have been sacrificing ourselves for the wrong master, one who has failed to see our qualities.'
Hearing the hubbub outside, the dying master remarked:
'I needed to pass on those secrets to a man I knew well. All my students are terribly virtuous and only show their good qualities. That is dangerous, for virtue often serves to hide vanity, pride and intolerance. That is why I chose the one student I knew really well, the one whose faults I could see most clearly.'

After reading this, it got me thinking, I remembered a friend of mine when I was younger. He was well-loved by many. A gentleman to everyone’s eyes, a real charmer, to which one of my female friends even remarked that he’s such a keeper and one she’d definitely take home to mother. I jokingly asked why would her mom need a boy toy? She punched me in the arm, as she is known to be brutally frank, she said, you know, you should be like him. The reason why nobody likes you or takes you seriously is because you are such a boor sometimes. You always crack green jokes even while in class and in the presence of professors. You are flirty and seem to be devoid of the capacity of taking anyone seriously. He’s the heartthrob and you’re like the class clown, and you may be fun to be with but nobody falls for the class clown.
I laughed but deep down I was hurt. The guy she desperately wanted to take home to meet the parents, wasn’t really a keeper from my point of view. Although he is a good friend, what people don’t know is that there exists another side of him. This friend of mine usually would ask for a boy’s night out, insisting that we go to strip clubs , pick up hookers and try smoking pot at one point. One time, in our drinking sprees, when I got turned down by a girl I liked, I asked him, how do you do it? Everyone likes you and sees you like a matinee idol, you always get the girl and you keep your nose clean in front of everyone we know. Jokingly, I said, If they only knew how you are. Then beamingly he said, it’s an art, my friend. It’s all about appearances. In front of the girls you must be the epitome of the ideal man, so they would flock to you instead of you chasing after them. I smiled at this, it was a nifty idea after all. I didn’t know that there was an easier way to get girls, I knew my parents should have enrolled me in the “other” exclusive boys school during highschool.
But seriously, contemplating at this, even if the harsh incident with my lady friend occurred years ago, and I have grown in more ways than one. I still think she was wrong. I may not be the guy that every girl would fancy, but at least I am true with myself. I may have been not the most agreeable person and admit that it is hard to see beyond by boorish behavior but I think that being me would still be better than going for appearances. I may not get the girl, but if the girl is going for gloss, she might not get the guy she truly wanted too. In the long run.

QUESTIONS

Sitting alone, staring at space,
These questions linger in my head,

What did I do wrong?
How did we end up like this?
How could someone catch your eye?
Does he love you the way that I do? Or maybe more?
Does he give you all that you need?
Does he do it the way that we did it back in the day?

So many questions, no apparently easy answers.
All I know is this, if a person doesn't love you
in the way that you want them to,
that doesn't mean that he didn't love you
with all that he's got.

Unrequited Love

The thought of unrequited love is an issue that is probably as old as any tale ever told. It has been the topic of a lot of stories, love songs and movies. But somehow, I always think that true love is always unrequited, because true love should never ask for anything in return.

There was a woman who was the fairest lady in their village. She was known throughout the land for her uncanny beauty. She had many admirers and suitors would knock on her door daily trying to woo her. Despite everyone liking her, she had only a few friends, and one of her oldest and closest friends was Hector. She has known Hector since they were little kids, before she has even blossomed into the ravishingly beautiful woman she has turned out to be. But what she didn’t know was that Hector has loved her since the first time they met. But Hector was too shy to tell her how he felt, it didn’t really matter to him much as all he truly wanted was to love her in the best way he can. Hector was her constant companion, her bodyguard, who had risked life and limb for her safety.

Then one day, a rich prince came to the village, he was in search for a bride and has heard stories of the beautiful woman who lived there. To the prince’s delight, the stories were accurate as he has never seen such beauty before. He then asked her hand in marriage to the delight of her parents who, although were well off, couldn’t believe their fortune as their only daughter was marrying into royalty.

This posed a problem for Hector, for he knew that once she has married, the prince would take her away and he may never see the love of his life again. So he enlisted in to the army and shortly after was fortunately assigned to the Royal Guards in charge of guarding the royal family. As his position would place him, he was now officially the bodyguard of the prince’s wife. She was definitely thrilled to have her close friend nearby.

As the years rolled on, such was Hector’s life, and he was happy and content to be near his loved one. He catered to her every wish and protected her from harm. That was his life’s mission and he did it with all his strength.

Then one day, Hector got sick, he had a nagging cough for more than a month now. He was also progressively losing weight and coughing out blood. He requested to be relieved of his duties as not to get the princess sick. At the time he was miserable, for he wasn’t able to be by his princess’ side. Being a true friend, the princess called for the best healers in the kingdom and asked for them to look at her friend and bodyguard, to which, they said that he has an incurable disease and may not last through another winter.

Saddened by the news, she visited her friend in his quarters where he found Hector in bed, cachectic and gaunt. In the quarters, she noticed a very intricate box lined with gold, it seemed familiar and then remembered she has seen it before, it was her family’s gift to Hector when he saved her from a wild beast when they were young. She told her surprise to Hector that such a box has withstood many years and inquired what was in it. Hector replied, that in it was his most treasured possession. She said she wanted to see it, but Hector for the first time denied. She insisted and yet, Hector was surprisingly adamant that it made her angry and in a fit she stormed out of the room and left. But she didn’t know that that day would be the last day she would see Hector for during that night in the bitter cold, Hector died.

The next morning, the princess was informed of Hector’s death and she was filled with remorse, she went to Hector’s quarters to see that Hector’s body was not there. It was advised by the healers to burn Hector’s body that morning as not to spread Hector’s disease. Although Hector’s room seems untouched, she noticed that the intricate box was not there.

The princess went to her room to mourn for her friend, but was taken aback upon seeing Hector’s box on her bedside table. There was a note there with a key which was addressed to her. She opened the box, and there inside to her surprise was a golden, heart shaped locket. She opened the locket and what was inscribed inside made her cry in earnest for it read, “Thank you for letting me love you, forever and a day.”

The True Treasure

A little girl was playing one day by the river when she saw a shiny stone as big as a chicken egg in the water, she picked it up and placed it in her bag. She was thinking that it would be a nice addition to her collection of rocks at home. At the end of the day, she decided that her mother would be looking for her as it was time to eat. On her way back to the village, she met a man who has was sitting under a tree. He looked haggard and hungry. He seemed like a foreigner from a distant place as his color and features were far different than hers or anyone from her village. The man greeted her and asked if she had any food to share. He introduced himself as a traveler, an adventurer of sorts seeking fame and fortune in distant lands. The girl asked what he was doing in their country then for her country was a poor undeveloped country where people lived a simple life and there was nothing she had seen or heard that would interest any foreigner to come and seek good fortune in their lands. According to the traveler, he met a fortune teller a few weeks ago who advised him that if he sought something that would change his life forever, then he should take the road which led to the little girl’s village. The girl asked if he has found what he was looking for, and the young man shook his head. The little girl took pity of the hungry young man and opened her bag, she had a loaf of bread which her mother gave her that morning to eat if she got hungry while playing by the river. As she was about to give it to the young man, he spied on the shiny stone which was in the young girl’s bag. He asked the little girl if she could have the stone instead of the bread. The little girl promptly took out the shiny stone and gave it the young man who gratefully accepted it and went on his way. The man was ecstatic, he knew what he was holding it was a precious stone of the size he has never seen before. It was something that would make him a made man for life. Then as he was walking, he thought of the little girl and her generosity, then he suddenly turned back and ran to where he last saw the little girl. He knew the stone he had was worth a fortune but instead he wanted to learn, what made the little girl give him such a treasure for learning that kind of kindness and generosity would’ve been priceless.

Untitled

Poetry has never been my strong suit, with all the similes, metaphors and alliteration, these double meanings sometimes cloud the true meaning that wants to be conveyed. I am more of a prose writer where clarity is for me important. But that doesn’t mean I can dabble into poetry from time to time doesn’t it?




It’s been quite a long time since I lost you
And I thought it would’ve always been you
But we ended and it hurts deep inside
Tired, I already lost count of the nights that I’d cried

I gave my all and then maybe more,
All I had right down to my very core.
But whatever I did, seemed never to be enough,
Tried hard, but you still had to go and treat me for a fool

I thought before that I could never live without you
And I say that deep down, I really truly loved you.
But I must start to forget and learn to feel fine
Then maybe my heart would mend and get better with time

Obtaining Peace

I was sitting on the beach one day with a lady friend of mine enjoying a much needed rest after a long week of hustle and bustle in the hospital. Aside from expecting to get a nice tan, I was simply enjoying a wonderfully sunny Sunday morning, listening to the sound of the sea with birds flying overhead and boats of simple fishermen over the horizon going about their daily activities, although only their silhouettes were seen through the rising sun. I had a small thermos of hot coffee which I made earlier from beans which I bought at Seattle’s best the week before. It was a perfect site for me. It was a perfect time for peace and serenity.
As usual, this got me thinking of how fortunate I was that I had such opportunities to unwind. Surrounded by all these tranquility would simply calm a heart full of turmoil. I began thinking, if the whole world could just experience this, then wouldn’t the world be a much better place to live in. Free from war, strife, corruption and other seemingly trivial things which appear to govern the lives of the majority of the people that filled the newspapers.
I told my thoughts to my friend, who told me that I was being silly, and added that the reason you appreciate how peaceful this scene is right here in front of us is because of all the chaos you experience in your daily life. If you weren’t a doctor who worked in a busy government hospital where in the patients were mostly poor and probably devastated by the magnitude of problems piling in front of them because of their relative who was sick then you wouldn’t appreciate scenes of tranquility when you see it.
Stunned a bit by this response, I contemplated on this reply and agreed, we appreciate things more when they seldom come by. I told this to my friend who then said that I was missing the point. Peace is not something that you find because you are in a nice sandy beach watching the sunrise, and enjoying your morning coffee. These are just appearances of tranquility that you wish to have. True peace is something within - a state of calm which our current situation seems to emulate. She then pulled out a book which incidentally was one that I have given her a few weeks ago written by my favorite author. She slowly turned the pages and when she found out what she was looking for, she handed it to me.
She had highlighted a line in yellow and it read, “Peace is not what we find in a place that is free of noise, problems and hard work; peace is what allows us to preserve the calm in our hearts, even in the most adverse situations.” With that, I smiled at her, turned to face the horizon and sipped my coffee.

Behind the façade

I have always been fascinated by clowns. With their brightly painted faces and their funny antics, it seems like their life’s purpose is to give happiness to every little kid, big or small. But at times I feel that behind all that paint and make-up, one doesn’t know the person beneath. It seems that way for me sometimes. Although I would have to say that largely it would be my own fault too. I’ve had my share of troubled moments. Life changing moments that really rocked my world, and none of my friends actually knew. Like the time when I had this really big problem which was brewing for half a year already and yet at the time I was doing well in school, I was even helping my best friend with his girl problems. Then to his disbelief when I decided to tell him my problems, he couldn’t believe how seemingly petty his problems were compared to mine. But like every storm, it too did pass.
I’ve always been classified as a lot of things by my peers, from a down right geek to a class clown that nobody takes seriously. People just see what one shows on the outside and no one really cares on who you are deep within. I guess that’s how people are nowadays, as long as it doesn’t concern them, then it shouldn’t waste their time and attention. But that’s the problem with clowns I guess, you are the life of the party, but when the party ends, you go home and shed your mask and look at the mirror and you are someone nobody would recognize. Deep inside the smiling exterior is a battered soul yearning for love and or acceptance.

SURPRISES

Doesn’t everybody love surprises? I mean everyday there are little things that happen so unexpectedly without reason sometimes but it sometimes puts a smile on our faces. Like yesterday for example, I am not particularly good with people’s names. But I am deadly accurate when it comes with faces. So, there are times when I invite people in facebook whose names seem familiar to me, then if it turns out that I don’t really know them, I just delete them from the list if necessary but most of the time I keep them to invite them for mafia wars.
But back to the story at hand, while I was browsing, I came across a name of a person a week ago, seemed familiar and without thinking I just invited that person to be my friend. Oddly enough, my request was granted on a Friday. Then yesterday, I saw her name online, and as what I usually do, I checked her wall. Just as I saw her face, I was puzzled. I know already that I was mistaken, she wasn’t anyone I’ve met before. But somehow, as I stared at her face, she seemed very familiar. I never forget a face. Somehow, work seems to come into my mind as I was struggling to think where I have seen her face before. I was thinking about maybe in a commercial, or in one of the posh parties I’ve been to lately. But somehow the hospital kept creeping into my mind which I kept dismissing as preposterous because I rarely see pretty faces of such beauty at work except on… then it dawned on me where I saw her. She was the pretty lady doctor in red who was in the same room with me at the OPD. But I wasn’t able to talk to her because (1) I am very shy, and (2) I had a long train of patients waiting outside.
I couldn’t believe in the coincidence of course, actually inviting someone first before actually seeing them a week after. So I had to confirm if I was right, although deep inside I already knew the answer. I sent a private message just to confirm and I got the affirmation I was expecting, it was indeed her. Attribute it to plain coincidence, but these little surprises that happen in our daily lives sometimes gives us reason to smile and realize that the world moves in ways we have yet to fathom.

CHASING PAVEMENTS

I was listening to a song by Adele called “Chasing Pavements” recently and somehow it caught my attention, with its lyrics and melody, it was something I’ve been listening to over and over for the past few days. As my usual wont, after hearing it for some time I began contemplating on what the song is trying to say, then I realized that the song asks a very nice question about love. It asks one if it would be more prudent to give up chasing a dream or continue pursuing a certain endeavor even if one knows that the search is futile.
Such a problem is not uncommon. As I’ve written before, I too have tried to pursue the girl who was perfect to me in every way possible just to find out that I wasn’t the perfect guy for her. Surely, there are countless similar stories of similar nature. Then one begins to ask, should one stop or should one trudge on? Now, one can look at this from a realist point of view. One could argue that if there are signs that the path you are pursuing appears to be a dead end then bail out and take another road. There are other fish in the sea so to speak, save yourself from heartache and reserve yourself for the right person for you.
But the idealists and romantics would counter, in life there is someone destined for you and that is the one. But we often don’t know who the one is. A friend once said, everyone has the capacity of being the one if you want it so. So if you feel deep inside that this is the one for you, even if it seems like you’re passing through the gauntlet of fire, one must and will soldier on. They would say fight for the one you love until the very end regardless of the possible outcome. At the very least it won’t leave you with any regrets or “what ifs” as what is common for the realists who back out when the odds are slim.
On a personal view, I would say, our capacity to love is directly proportional to our capacity to feel pain. As hard as it is to accept, love and pain come hand in hand. Who could say they have truly loved if they have not experienced pain? The standard for one feels depends on our experiences. For example, a pampered child accidentally stumbles and experiences a small scratch on the knee for the first time. The child howls in pain as if it was the most excruciating experience in the world, but how would that pain compare to let us say to the millions of Jews tortured in concentration camps during world war II. Pretty far apart, I know, but what I am driving at the more we experience, the more would be our ability to appreciate life and love. This is to say, one who has the most heartaches will be able to express love the most once he or she finds the one for them. So, to answer the pervading question, I would say that even if the road leads nowhere, we should still keep chasing pavements for it is from our experiences that we increase our capacity learn, grow, and love.

Journey’s End

Life is a journey. How grand or how bitter it may be would depend on the path you have taken. Nevertheless, no matter how careful you try, there are times when the path you are taking would lead you to hurt, pain and suffering. Although at the time it may seem like the pain would never end, but as nothing is constant in life. Everything will come to pass and one would still get to see the fruition of one’s hardships. As life is a search for your fullest potential, it usually ends with one being tested through the hardest trials. However, some people for one reason or another fail to accomplish what life has planned for them. They take unexpected turns usually based on fears which would find themselves sitting in a corner of their homes thinking on where have all the years gone. All the wasted potential for what could have been the story of their lives and now they realize that they are at the end of their road that brought only regrets and heartaches.

There was once a young girl who came from a very prestigious political family. Raised in affluence and trained in the top schools and universities until graduating top of her class with a law degree. A youth leader with a desire to follow in the footsteps of her great ancestors, she had all the promise of youth with the ambition to reach the pinnacle of success. Then the unexpected happened, she fell in love. The guy was a doctor from a similarly affluent family. They met on a medical mission that she organized in her hometown as part of a political campaign and he was the head of the surgical team invited from the best medical university in Manila.
Their union was initially the envy of everyone who knew them. They were physically compatible, her with beauty queen looks and him built like a matinee idol. They seemed to complement each other in every way and their marriage would be beneficial for both their careers.

However, the dream would prove to be short lived, and the seemingly fairytale union would not have a happy ending. As it turns out, the doctor had an issue with envy. He was envious of his wife’s popularity as she was the councilor of her town then and was the party’s top pick to run for mayor on the succeeding election. He also could not understand on his wife’s lifestyle of going on social events night after night as this was common among politicians who play the game and who are constantly trying to build a network of allies for whatever plans that may crop up in the future.

So the husband sat down with his wife and asked her to leave the political game. She was surprised, politics was her passion. The fulfillment of public service was the fuel that drove her to be the best. But as she truly loved her husband, she acceded to his request. At the end of her term, she did not run for any position, much to the dismay of all her political friends and allies. She just said that she was taking time off to start a family as she was not getting any older.

Soon, she got pregnant and her pride and joy was born into this world. She vented all of her time and energy on her baby, and became a full time mother and housewife. Coincidentally, the husband’s practice began to pick-up. With a few big-wig patients referred by his father-in-law, he was soon a made man. With a patient list that seemed to read as list of the society’s crème de la crème, he found out that he was on the top of his practice, being invited to every party as every wanted to meet the young brilliant surgeon who was married to the strong political dynasty.

As his practice was more than good, there seemed no reason for the wife to work anymore, and so, dutifully she concentrated her efforts on taking care of her son. Soon, another addition to the family came and another, then after ten years, it seemed as if being a fulltime mom and housewife has been the only life she has ever had.

She was happy with her only son and two daughters. They were the picture of the perfect family. But appearances are always short lived. One day, while staying at home, taking care of her youngest daughter, she received terrible news, their son was accidentally shot outside school, after unknowingly walking into what erupted as a fraternity war. He was only 12 at the time.

Upon hearing the news, the mother was inconsolable, and the father although he never mentioned anything seemed to lay the blame on his wife who was supposed to watch over the children while he was busy at work. As a result, to forget the pain, he suddenly took to staying out late and going to bars drinking, coming home, when everyone was asleep. The mother on the other hand, became over-protective over her two remaining children, providing every security possible for her daughters.

Years moved on and the couple found themselves estranged. Seemingly living separate lives under one roof. Their union now was just for appearances sake. Their daughters were now in their late teens and both looked like younger versions of their mom at the prime of her youth. Seeing herself in her daughters, she began reminiscing on her past life. A life she has long forgotten. She sat down on the breakfast table one morning and looked at the morning’s newspapers only to see pictures of those who used to be her fellow youth leaders, now emerging as the new pillars in government. She remembered that she used to be the best, and that all these so called newer generation politicians that emerged as a force to contend with used to just be her supporters in their political maneuverings.

She closes the paper and drinks her coffee then takes a great big sigh. She was approaching 50 now. As she reminisced about the old days, she begins to think that this probably what people would call mid-life crisis. Then she remembers she had a long day ahead of her as she had household chores to do.

As she was fixing the clothes for laundry, she notices a small piece of paper. It was actually a small piece of stationary, scented and pink with a note on it with read, “Thanks for the lovely evening, it’s the most memorable one yet. Love you, and signed with a red kissmark. As she read this, she began to cry.

Soon after, when confronted by the angry wife, the husband leaves to go to his young 20 year old mistress. Never to be seen or heard from again. The wife now has only her two daughters to hold on to. But this would only be temporary as after a couple of years, the older daughter marries and leaves for the United States, a young bride to a young doctor who has just been accepted for training in Family Medicine in a hospital in New York. The younger daughter soon follows her older sibling after being accepted as a chef in a fancy hotel also in New York.

Now who used to be a young, pretty promising lawyer, youth leader and once town councilor sits on a rocking chair in the drawing room of her sprawling ten bedroom house, sipping tea. She is now over 60 and lives alone. She looks at her life and thinks what happened to her journey. Still feeling the scars of losing a son, the pain of being left by a husband she loved and served sincerely and two daughters now fulfilling their own destiny. A form of depression sinks in. This was not what she dreamed of when she was young. Her fairy tale indeed did not end in a happily ever after. Tears fill her eyes and slowly roll down her cheeks seemingly joining the patter of rain hitting the window pane. She closes her eyes and hums to herself slowly.

The next day, the part time maid comes in to find the lady of the house dead still sitting on her rocking chair.

Everyone has a destiny to fulfill and life holds a lot of promises for us. Although not everyone will reach the destiny that they are to achieve. No one could say that the woman is wrong in her decisions in life turning her back on her passion but how many times have we felt regret on things we have allowed to pass in what we thought to be the right decision. Often not, we sacrifice our own potentials for the sake of love or the fear of falling out of love. Although one must understand and remember that true love never keeps a man from pursuing his destiny.

Serendipity

At times as we build our lives and start working, we get into a routine that sooner or later may feel like the only thing tomorrow would hold for us is repeating what we do today. But if we scrutinize it, every day brings us a hidden surprise even though how monotonous our life may seem.
I have often wondered at the marvelous thing called serendipity, which as I put it means the pleasantly unexpected. It simply means that at times, our life would have a sudden twist, a surprise or a blessing unique to that day that would make that day entertaining and memorable, if we know how to look and appreciate.
Yesterday was actually just like that, a routine day. After a long day at work, seeing patients with the same run of the mill cases, I grudgingly went home and did my now favorite past time, facebooking. Although, my social life has seen better days but sad to say lately, my social life has been contained on an LCD screen. I don’t know if this is due to old age or the fact that most of my closest friends are married and working that the usual nightly get -togethers must now have explicit verbal and hopefully not written consents by the missus.
But I am not complaining much, because for the past months, I have been entertained with my new past time. Going to my usual rounds in Mafia Wars, Speed Racing, The Fellowship, Texas Hold’em Poker and other applications that I currently fancy has made me use up quite a number of hours which would have otherwise be spent in utter boredom. Then by some chance I spotted on a shout out on the newsfeed from a celebrity who was feeling sick. Being a doctor, I found it natural to inquire on whether I may be of assistance. So I just posted a comment asking on what symptoms she was experiencing, although half expecting to be snubbed as that usually happened. Imagine my surprise when she answered saying that she has had a cough and fever for quite some time now. Now, as not to ask her to openly discuss her illness in front of everyone who may read it, I just sent her a private message instead, introducing myself and then I inquired further on her symptoms which I thought would be the proper thing to do.
The reply came shortly with a cellphone number. Imagine that, I was actually getting a celebrity’s cellphone number on such an ordinary night. It felt surreal or part of a poorly written prank of some sort. But getting back to my senses, I thought of completing what I actually started. Now, as not to intrude much on her privacy, I just texted my suggestions and advised her to seek further medical help if her symptoms persisted. The reply of gratitude actually made the scene more surreal.
Now the issue here is not that I got starstruck (although I did )or the fact that the celebrity is extremely hot (because she is), but rather, how a simple gesture actually allows one to be able to form bonds with others even on the not to be trusted world wide web or between a nobody like me and someone you see on tv everyday which is admittedly farfetched. So going back, sometimes, life does bring little surprises day by day that is worth remembering and sharing and sometimes you would actually get flabbergasted on how your random acts of kindness actually pay into a sense of fulfillment in the end.

Falling in love with a dream

A friend once told me over a recent long drinking spree, that my love life would be able to fit a full season of a tele-novela. Looking in retrospect, I do seem to have a lot of serious hang-ups in the past. All because of a flaw on my part, according to my friend, that I have made a habit of loving too much. According to him, contrary to most guys, I do have a tendency to give too much of myself to another person which sometimes seems downright stupid. He cites examples of me waking up at around 4am when I was younger and still in college, then I would drive from my house in Q.C. to my school in Manila, park my car then take an hour long commute to Cavite just to be there when my girlfriend wakes up and so that we would go to school together. According to my friend, that would be labeled cute if I did that once, but to do that roughly every day for almost an entire semester would be called ridiculous.

My friend also points out the time when I had to do odd jobs to put my girlfriend at the time through school. The problem at the time was that her parents didn’t like me for their daughter and were pushing her to stop first from schooling to give way to her sister who took 1st year college thrice because she kept shifting courses. At the time we were just two semesters away from graduating and so I thought of it to be quite a stupid idea. So it was my grand solution to help her finish school. However, contrary to popular belief, I don’t usually ask money from my parents, and since I didn’t have that much on hand at the time, I tried some odd jobs as a research assistant/ driver, insurance underwriter and almost as a voice talent for TV shows in one of the big TV stations but before I could actually start with that last one, I got busted by my mother who found out what I was doing and gave me some money instead. Being a voice talent would have taken a lot of time off school and they just wouldn’t hear of it. Although, I do believe that it would have been a good experience for me.

There was also a time which my friend recalls of me going to visit a girl I liked then. I was already from duty from the most toxic hospital on the planet (without exaggeration) , and yet I went and brought coffee to this girl I really liked late in the evening and chatted the night away even if I hadn’t had any decent sleep yet. What was funny about this according to my friend was that I already knew from the get-go that the girl was not interested in me except for being friends and yet I would still insist on doing things for her just because I liked her. That’s not too bad from my point of view though.

The latest according to my friend was the worst and the craziest thing I had ever done for the sake of love. He almost bellowed on me on how on earth is it possible for a guy to leave home and rent an apartment just so he could be with the girl he loves? Good thing if it only lasted a couple of months, but to let it last for 3 years of not going home, missing out on everyone’s birthdays and holidays with both family and friends. Dropping out from circulation, from the sight of everyone who actually cared for me, just to be with the one you love who happened to have had a nasty fight with my parents and didn’t want to step foot at my house.
The irony of this according to my good buddy is that it would have been worth it if all these things resulted in positive outcomes for me. Meaning, it would be ok if all these things resulted in a long lasting relationship or a happily ever after. But to be able to take such punishment such as being able to accept public humiliation on the hands of one of my ex-great loves’ parents without flinching or learning that the child you are told to be yours is not yours after all and you’ve been duped all along, or to sustain physical injury during a temper tantrum that resulted in me stitching up a cut on my eyebrow in front of a mirror or learn that the one you love deeply was just in love with the idea of being in love but not with you necessarily is just plain damn crazy. It is not worth the amount of time and emotion that has been devoted in the endeavor. It is like the girls I pick fall in love with a dream and yet their dream is my nightmare but stupid me doesn’t know it.

But I guess I too am guilty of falling in love with a dream. A dream of a happily ever after that one would obtain no matter the cost. But my friend adds, hopefully with the girl who will walk with you stride per stride and love you as much as you do. To this I say, relationships are a risk with no guarantees, you’ll only know if what you have is golden when you’ve actually traveled the distance. I cannot change my ways as this is the only way I know on how to love. It could not be measured the same way one would measure a piece of wood. If I start measuring the amount of love I would give to someone, then that would not be love at all.

Believing in a higher being

Prologue: I have posted snippets of these encounters on my facebook status, but I think it deserves something more decent.

Being a man of science sometimes obscures one’s belief in the divine, but being Jesuit trained has somehow opened my eyes on appreciating when a higher being comes and graces your life.

In the past years, I have been having strange encounters with beggars. The oldest incident that I could recall was when I was in highschool. It was raining hard because of signal number 3 typhoon. Classes were suspended mid-way, and somehow, we were stranded along Katipunan. The service I was riding in managed to park at McDonalds and so we were comfortably waiting for the rain and the flood to stop. At that time, I already started this terrible vice called smoking. So after eating I decided to step out and smoke a little despite the rain. So while I was there standing watching people come in and out of the store, I got surprised when I received a tap on my shoulder. When I turned around, there was an old lady asking for alms. She looked really old, like 70’s already. Her clothes were full of grease and she was soaking wet. But despite her appearance, she was smiling at me. What creeped me out was what she said in the vernacular, she said I was sent to earth from above to help a lot of people, she added that she was happy to have seen me and maybe I could spare her some money. This happened a long time ago, around early 90’s and yet I gave her 20 bucks which was sort of a large amount to give to a beggar at that time. She graciously accepted the money and said that I could be heard from above and that all I need to do is ask and it will be granted. I jokingly replied that if I could really be heard then maybe the rain would stop and so I could go home already. I have barely finished my sentence when the rain suddenly stopped and a small ray of sunshine broke through the storm clouds. My jaw literally fell as I looked at the sky because the rain stopped so abruptly then when I looked at the old lady, she was gone but somehow I seem to still hear her laughter lingering in the air. Shortly after I was able to go home then the storm resumed and classes were still suspended the next day.

That incident soon became lost in memory only to be remembered again roughly 4 years after. I was already in college at the time. My girlfriend and I were walking along Vito Cruz in Manila on our way to our PE class which was badminton I think. As we were walking through the crowds, an old woman suddenly cut in front of us from nowhere. She was also old and in ragged clothes. However, she really didn’t look like the usual greasy beggars. What was crazy about this encounter was that she wasn’t asking for money. She touched me on the arm and said that she just wanted to meet me; adding further that I was supposed to be someone filthy rich and famous in the future for helping a lot of people. According to her I would be a doctor or a policeman. I laughed out loud when I heard that I was to be a policeman. Then she said, her visions aren’t clear yet but all she knows is that she had to meet me before she died. Then she said to my girlfriend, don’t let go of him, you will regret it the rest of your life. Then as quickly as she came, she left and was soon lost in the crowd. At the time, I just thought that she may have been a nut job who escaped somehow from an institution somewhere. Then like the other memories, they were soon buried in the midst of everyday life.

Then two events happened two days apart at the Manila City Hall which made me ponder on all these encounters I have been having. On the first day, I was at the lobby of the city hall in front of the city administrator’s office waiting along with all the other new employees of the city of Manila. We were supposed to have our papers signed so we could start receiving compensation for our services rendered. Now I was one of those seated at the back of the line. Then yet again, I felt a tap on my shoulder, when I looked, there was an old man wearing eye glasses and a dilapidated polo and slacks. He didn’t look like a beggar but he was obviously poor. He was also sitting on the chairs allotted for us who were waiting to be called. He then said that he was very hungry and that if maybe I could give him a little money for him to eat. Being kind hearted as I am, I reached in my pocket just to realize that the smallest bill I had was 50 bucks. Even if I had no salary yet for the past 3 months and was actually saving every penny I had, I still decided to give it to the old man. He graciously said thank you and said that God would bless me fivefold then he stood up and left.

I was actually brooding later in the day about giving that much money to a beggar then all of a sudden I received a call, I had a referral for a pay patient who wanted to be admitted under my service. The case was a transient ischemic attack and was relatively benign, and I was able to send the patient home after a few days. What was funny was that my 50 bucks didn’t come back fivefold but fiftyfold instead.
Two days after I was back at the city hall to have my papers signed at the city personnel’s office. The difference now was that I was inside the actual office where the entry of people was being regulated at the door. I was from duty at that time and was sort of sleepy. So while waiting beside the air-conditioning unit feeling drowsy because of the cold air, I felt a familiar tap on my shoulder and you just couldn’t imagine my surprise to see the same old man, wearing the exact same clothes. Although what was funny, he didn’t stink despite being inside an air-conditioned room. What surprised me more was that he was sitting inside the office waiting area too and no one was asking him to leave as he clearly didn’t have any business there. Then when he opened his mouth, he uttered the same lines like a replay from a vinyl record that jumped on its track. Amused, I still reached in my pocket and gave him a 10 peso coin which I was supposedly saving as a parking tip for later. He again graciously said thank you, I didn’t really want to talk to him and so I decided to close my eyes and feign sleep. But I have barely closed my eyes when the employee from the personnel’s office spoke my name and was surprisingly in front of me and telling me that I didn’t have to wait anymore because my paper has already been signed the day before. I was half expecting the old man to still be there beside me, but again to my surprise, the seat was empty. I checked my pocket and my 10 peso coin wasn’t there which gave me proof that I wasn’t dreaming.
I passed by the hospital first on the way home just to report on my status with the hospital’s personnel office, when I saw one of my co-consultants at the lobby where she gave me an envelope of rebates from a laboratory. Half chuckling, I knew that inside would be again 50x more than what I initially gave that old man.

Thus, in retrospect, I began calling them my beggar-angels or angels disguised as beggars. I don’t usually believe in a lot of superstitious or religious hullabaloo, but sometimes when something extraordinary happens to you, one just can’t help believe that there are higher beings out there watching and that the good you give to others will indeed come back, in my case 50x more.

Searching for the Perfect Woman

I guess its quite normal for every guy to search for the perfect woman to be their partner in life. But the term perfect of course would be quite relative depending on the likes and dislikes of a certain person. It is suffice to say that the search of perfection is therefore relative too. I am no exception to this. Although at the age of 30, being single would likely make one to conclude that I am one of two things: a. I am gay or b. I am a very fickle minded person. Although, I am quite comfortable with my masculinity and I do have a couple of female partners who would vouch for my virility and sexual preferences. However, being a doctor, who had an extended student life as a med student, it is but natural for some of us to still remain single by this age. Although, we may as well be pushing the limit a bit.
Going back to the topic at hand, I too have been in search for the perfect woman. Going through three long relationships, I guess, the perfect one seems to be a myth. Although a few years ago, I thought I have already found the perfect one for me. I saw her when I was just a first year medical student, although I got to befriend her only when I was in fourth year. I thought we complemented each other well, me with my little eccentricities and idiosyncrasies and her with her sometimes sulky and moody behavior. We clicked somehow and I thought that she’s the perfect one for me.
Although, there was one thing that I didn’t take into consideration and is probably the reason why I remain in single until now. The flaw I guess when we go and search for the perfect woman, is that more often than not, the perfect woman for you may also be in search for the perfect man.

Laying all the cards

By CRACK, June 14, 2004
Prologue:
I was simply sifting through old magazines that I have collected over the years (please don’t ask which magazine but I am sure all the boys know what I am talking about) and I suddenly stumble on a piece of paper on which I have written this essay almost 5 years ago to be exact. Crack by the way is my pen name which I used in highschool and college… go and figure out why. So here we go…

I often say that courtship is rather pathetic among Filipino teens and young adults in this day and age. As I see it, during courtship, guys usually put their “best foot forward” and have a nasty habit of glossing over their imperfections. This means, that at this time period, they are living and breathing little angels that could do no wrong and one you would definitely take home to mommy. They would be utterly sweet and do their darned best to win their girl’s affection. Often this strategy works and that’s why everyone does it. However, once they are into the relationship and supposedly just when the ride was just about to get sweeter, they take a turn to a dark side. When the guy put’s the other foot into the fore which inevitable mind you, the girl is suddenly surprised about all the new things that she would discover. Suddenly, her man isn’t as sweet or as thoughtful as he used to be, putting other things such as school, work or barkada in a higher priority over her. She will then discover her partner’s multitude of hang-ups and potentially nauseatingly nasty habits. How many times have we heard girls utter the lines, “You weren’t like this when you were courting me?” and realize that her knight’s shining armor doesn’t sparkle as bright as it used to be. Now she feels duped and worse, taken for a fool.
Though I am often thought of as a cynic in the matters of the heart, I actually am just a realist. Although, I too am a hopeless romantic, waiting for that killer love story to be mine someday, I just have a different picture on how things should be.
There are two things which I put on the top of my list as necessary to start a relationship and that would be trust and honesty. Thus, if you want to have a meaningful relationship with someone, don’t do it like other people do. Lay down all your cards, instead of hiding the little secrets that you don’t want the other person to know. Put both feet together and present yourself as a whole , let her get to know the good as well as the bad side of you. Show them your hang-ups, your little vices, your occasional atrociously childish and sometimes sexually pre-occupied behavior. I know we are talking about getting the girl and not driving them away, but what I am simply driving at is that usually as much as we think highly of ourselves, we should take into consideration that the other party is as smart as well and can discern and decide fairly on what they really like. If they know the real you and accept you despite your hang-ups and excess baggage, at least you know that they truly love you and you won’t have the type of girlfriend from hell who wants to change you or say that she actually got a monster in you after you get married or take your relationship deeper. At least, she’ll never accuse you of tricking her into believing that you are someone you are not and furthermore you know you are loved even with your imperfections.
Now, if one could give this kind of advice to others, the next question would be, has this actually worked for me? Or am I just spewing out rivers of crap? For someone who preaches on how courtships should be done, it would be inferred that I have found that special someone and applied all these theory into practice.
Honestly, the problem with this is that when you are too open about yourself, one has a tendency to become less palatable. It is easy to meet girls, truly, but the hard part is taking the next step because more often than not, at least from my experience, she is either too repulsed by my looks compounded by my multitude of imperfections or her first impression of me would usually hinder any chance whatsoever of taking the step further from being “just friends” and gets me stuck in the best friend category.
On the other hand, I am a man of my own principles and convictions with a true non-conformist attitude. Although I am not saying that what I say is the absolute gospel truth, I still believe that honesty should be the foundation of every relationship and that being open about oneself is still better than the “Mr. goody two shoes - holier than thou - I want to impress you with my angelic face but I am a demon in disguise” way of winning people’s hearts and affection.
But, like I’ve said before I am still a romantic at heart and someday, my killer love story will come. Even if my way makes me feel like the bitter pill to take, well, I’ve never tasted any medicine that actually cured an illness and tasted pleasant anyway. Girls nowadays as I’ve noticed are smarter and those in search of meaningful relationships can now discern which are just skin deep. Thus, until then, I am a fearless crusader traveling this journey called life amidst a sea of hypocrisy, reality and sometimes silent agony.

Discovery

What is the measure of one’s worth? This is something that one usually thinks about at times of depression or after getting faced with a setback in life. Now, it is impossible to say that one has never had a setback ever in their lives. No matter how one is blessed or fortunate in their lives, as life is a perpetual circle with its ups and downs. One would feel down on some days, although some would feel and experience that more than the other. But what I like about setbacks is that it gives you time to think in retrospect on life and learn something from it in return.
Recently I have been thinking of how one determines self worth. Is it something that someone tells them, like getting a pat on the back for doing exceptionally well or awards and accolades received from various institutions for their contributions to society or whatever field they happen to specialize in?
As far as my recollections could help me, I find it surprising that there are only a few instances when I would say I have shown a true test of character, or exhibit what I am truly made of. What is ironic is that they don’t even include times of competition or any gallant feats of chivalry.
First off, I admit I have been born of some privilege in life. I was not born destitute, and being the youngest child, you could say that I was even a brat…maybe I still am. I was quite pampered and sheltered most of my life and I was accustomed to having things served to me. I woke up with breakfast on the table and my things packed and ready. I was never taught to do much on my own. I attended at exclusive schools. I had my grade school at Lourdes School Quezon City, afterwards I went to high school at the Ateneo, then college at U.P. Although this may seem nothing to my peers, but, for the average Juan, I had a mighty privileged childhood after all.
So what is the worth of a self-confessed brat? When I mean worth, I refer to one’s inner nature - one’s true sense of character. Meaning to say, does it mean that if one appears to be a brat, then he is rotten down right to the core? The opportunity to exhibit my own inner nature first presented itself when I went to college. In the summer of ’98, we had a summer elective called Field Biology. Now what was fun about this class was that we were going to have the chance to go out of town for 14 days to Puerto Princesa, Palawan to do some field work. Of course, all of us were very excited as this was a chance to travel legally (as this was school work) to a tourist spot without any parents to watch over our every move.
On our first days in class, one of our professors told us something that actually scared the living crap out of me. She said that compared to all our travels in our ecology class last semester, going to Palawan would be tougher as compared to previous outings where we only stayed at a particular area for only 2 nights max, when we go to Palawan, that is where we would show our true selves. Although this really didn’t seem to bother the others, this made me think. I actually understood what was being implied here. Since we were staying longer than what we were accustomed to, we would actually show one another how we are as we truly are as compared to the polite and guarded people we tend to be when we are in front of company. Simply put, how we are at home will slowly emerge if we stay longer together. This put a chill down my spine because it made me think, what if the people who get to see the real me don’t like me and what was worse was what would I do once I discovered who I truly was, which was to my firmest belief then, a stuck-up brat. What if I didn’t like who I turned out to be?
Thus this travel to Palawan struck a little fear in me but as the days rolled on, the fear was gradually replaced again by excitement and then on the day that we were supposed to travel, I was as giddy as the next guy, raring and ready to go on a new adventure.
Now, to make the long story short, what did I discover when I got to Palawan? To my surprise, I didn’t expect what came next. To be honest, I discovered that I actually had a side of me that was the complete opposite of who I thought I was. I was half expecting myself to be a brat. I discovered that when I am in a situation where in I am supposed to take care of myself and others, I would unknowingly do it even without anyone asking it from me. I was surprised that I could cook. Although I do know how to cook, I never cooked for anyone before. I put it upon myself to fix all our equipment and other belongings so that we wouldn’t have any problems in the morning. What was amazing for me was that I was actually sleeping on an every other day basis although my friends didn’t know this. I usually would stay awake until the wee hours of the morning fixing stuff (like transect lines, quadrats and other stuff that I’ve forgotten what they were called) and packing things that we hauled to various rivers, mountains and beaches in the morning. Mind you, I wasn’t seeking other people’s attention or approval but I did these then simply because no one was doing it and I felt that I should do it for them.
To be honest, I was damn proud of myself, because, I do believe that people tend to see the arrogant side of me, a flaw which I think I could never correct. But, what thrilled me then was that I turned out to be a very helpful bugger, a real man for others. It’s like that little elf from the kid’s story that kept helping the old shoemaker make shoes when the latter was asleep.
Then I learned something important too, that once you have been labeled by your peers as a certain something, like arrogant fool for example, nothing can remove you from that label. As much as I was proud of myself, no one noticed it. Not that I wanted people to build a monument for me, I was just hoping that it would change how people thought of me. At the time, my reputation wasn’t really ideal but that was due to a different story altogether. I remember when we got back to our college at the end of our trip, there wasn’t even a single story about my sleepless nights or how I turned out to be quite a dependable member of the group. Ironically the only story that seemed to have me involved in was the night I got mad with some of my classmates mistreating a close friend of mine (details of this are quite touchy hence I would not elaborate on this incident ). I am not a hot head, but getting angry seemed to fit the classical description of me as my peers would have known me then and maybe even now.
However, that trip to Palawan taught me one good thing that I believed to be integral to my slow snail-like development to a mature individual (this is still in progress despite my age). I learned that I work best and most fulfilled not as a leader which I thought I was, but rather as an anchor.
If this seems to puzzle you, what I mean by an anchor is that in most groups or cliques of friends, there are certain roles played or assumed by one’s personality. Some are born leaders, some are followers, some are classic comedians, some are loners, and some are anchors. Although the leaders are like captains of the ship that point the group in the direction that they would be heading, anchors are those that work behind the scenes and hold all the pieces together.
Although, this piece of information, despite its enlightening value, seemed to take a back seat over the years to come as they say, one’s inner nature only comes out when needed.
Years passed, I finished med school, became a doctor, obtained my license and started training in internal medicine. Supposedly much older, but inside I really don’t feel that I aged much. But it was during my senior year in residency that I discovered myself again.
For those who truly know me, I am quite a character. I am as eccentric as one could get. I am moody most of the time and I do not fit the classical description of a good person, literally. I may appear callous to some and amoral to others. I have a tendency to shock others especially their sensibilities. I guess this would be quite frightening if you knew all this and happened to be my patient. But kidding aside, I am definitely not your average guy on the block by any standard.
Before my third year in residency started, there was quite a ruckus on who should be getting the position of chief resident. As one of the incoming seniors, I was definitely in contention for the alpha wolf position. I was smart enough, I had quite a number of accolades under my belt during the previous year, literally winning big on my research and was the incoming president of the resident’s organization sure helped elevate myself to a lofty status that made me want to win the bingo so to speak, and get the plum prize of chief resident. Although I learned earlier that I do not really work well as a leader, the thought of being the best in a competitive field surely makes a competitive guy like me want to have a go at it. Sure enough, some of my consultants have shown their inclination to favor me which I accepted as a sign of good things to come.
But alas, I learned that you can’t win them all. As much as I thought that my achievements could help me, I was to fail in this quest. Although the manner of my loss was quite dubious and questionable at the time, I did not ask to refute the decision despite some of the consultants egging me on to complain when the official result was announced. So in short, I came in second as was designated as the associate chief resident.
So what became of me as the associate chief? To be honest, it couldn’t have been sweeter. As I would have made a good chief resident, I think I was suited more for this position as second in command. Much like the anchor of which I discovered I did well in years ago, this position placed me in the exact same position. I don’t know if my fellow residents would have noticed but I have been simply that, the support that they needed. I bridged the gap between seniors and juniors by erasing the hierarchy that existed during my time when the seniors were treated like demi-gods and the juniors were slaves. In what hospital would you find the associate chief resident washing the dishes and paying for everyone’s afternoon merienda while waiting for endorsement time? Although, it was part of my job to reprimand them on what they were supposed to be doing or to scold them and tell them to shape up, I was their “go to guy,” their “big brother” so to speak. The one they told their problems to, the one who tried to fix their little mistakes, advising and teaching them on how to do their work efficiently so as not to obtain the ire of the big chief and the consultants, their co-conspirator in various endeavors. I even have taken the brunt for some of their mistakes and I have defended them on several occasions from receiving hell’s fury from some of our “raging” consultants. I may not have done an A+ job from my point of view, but in retrospect, I was happy with the position I was in. Even during the time when our camaraderie seemed to be at risk of breaking down due to personal conflicts between the residents. I am proud to say that I did a heck of a job preventing our department from imploding. So I guess, the consultants who placed me to my rightful place may have known what they were doing after all, although I really didn’t understand these then. Thus this may be the best time to extend my gratitude to them for having some foresight.
What is funny though is that my role is usually the thankless role, since it is passive so to speak. Although with my junior residents, I may not have been the boss in the conventional way bosses should be, I believe I have gained their love and respect which makes my last year in training fulfilling. Furthermore, what I like about it is that discovering my inner nature proves to me that I am made of better stuff that what people see and label me, and for one who likes life’s little epiphanies, this is what makes all the difference in the world to me.

Rhythms and Journeys

It would be a relatively safe statement to say that everyone is built differently. Despite the generalizations that one may make between certain groups like the Irish are boisterous and superstitious or the Italians are very clannish or the Ilocanos are stingy. Everyone is still different from one another; as each of us has different body types, different likes or pet peeves. Each of us even if you may have an identical twin is unique as your own distinct finger print.
I teach at a local nursing college and being a teacher allows us to see further such differences between the students that we teach. Some are very smart where they get the lessons taught right off the bat, but some may literally be descendants of trolls that even if you say it in the simplest terms, would still be flabbergasted.
But as the title would suggest, what has this story got to do with rhythm and more so, journeys for that matter?
I met an old student of mine in a coffee shop one day to which he eagerly asked me, “ Doc, would you happen to have tips or a sure fire method that I could use to pass the board exams? I have been studying in a study group and been enrolled in a prestigious review center and I feel overwhelmed by the load and the pacing that I fear I won’t be able to finish reviewing for my exam.”
I told him of a short story I’ve read recently done by Paulo Coelho regarding his experience during his pilgrimage to Santiago. He narrated about his journey supposedly to find peace or to meditate on life in general but turned out that since he started as a group, he found himself more pre-occupied about keeping up with the pace of the group, much to his discomfort, rather than enjoying the scenery along the way that was supposed to open his eyes to an epiphany of sorts. It was only somewhere midway when he decided to walk on his own pace regardless if he walked with the group or sometimes walked alone that he slowly discovered the beauty of the journey he was taking the peace and solitude that he was after.
For some, this may be sufficient to determine the point that I wished to make. My ex-student however wasn’t the brightest of the lot, thus he asked, “Doc, that’s a nice story, but what does this story have to do with my passing the boards. The boards is a big exam, my passes to the greener pastures, the ticket to foreign lands and glory.”
I told him them that I’d share with him how I prepared for my own board exams in medicine. I told him that the board exam contrary to my former student’s view which seemed to be like a gate before a grand journey was a journey in itself wherein the finish line is obtaining a license to practice medicine. Initially, since no one advised me on what was the best thing to do, at these certain junctures, there seems to be a “herd effect” where we all do the same thing because everyone seems to be doing it. So I joined the month long review class in UST. However, I discovered that I wasn’t a morning person and the classes started as early as 7 am. So in the 3 days that I tried to attend there, I slept through all of it, waking up just to go home, a real fiasco on the get go.
This was when I decided that I would pack my bags along with all my books and reviewers I’ve collected in the past month and go to our unused ancestral house in San Juan, Batangas. Luckily, a few of my friends decided to join me.
At this point, my former student interjected, “So, doc, you formed a studygroup, too.”
Heaving a deep sigh, I countered, “No, technically we were just four classmates bunking together.” We had no real battle plan at the time. No joined time table or lists of accomplishments that we need to fulfill as a group. What we did as we had the entire house to ourselves with no interruptions from external forces, we just picked comfortable places in the house for us to study – one favored the living room, the other stayed mostly at the dining table, one frequented the balcony and one even stayed a lot on the swing in the garden. At our favored spots, we just read and studied anything we fancied. We had no pre-planned subject for the day, one had a subject of their own, although we were all within ear shot to answer queries when one had a problem with a particular topic. Our schedule was open and flexible, and we even had time to relax from time to time by going to the mall in Lipa or watch our favorite TV programs, (which was WWE Smackdown mostly) after lunch and dinner.
So like the journey I was narrating earlier, we too were on a journey with each of us being like one of four pilgrims meeting on the road at the starting point and walking towards the same direction. Although, we started at the same time, we walked at our own pace. We traveled in the rhythm that our bodies are accustomed to without imposing oneself on the other. We were there to help each other from time to time and that was all. We traveled our path in peace, making us enjoy our summer despite the mounting tension. Thus in the end, as you may have guessed it, we all reached our destination successfully.
Thus I told my former student, as each of us is different from each other, our capacity for learning is likewise varied. Do not pace yourself with others who have different capabilities from you. Set your own pacing and stick to it, although you may adapt techniques and study habits of others only if you believe that it will augment your own capabilities. Thus, the key to life’s journey is to keep our own rhythm and hurdle our life’s obstacles in our own flair and fashion.

As an afterthought, as I was writing this story, I began contemplating on what has happened to my friends and me after we have reached our destination. Our paths may have parted from this point on then I realized something new in retrospect from this encounter. As I look at my friends now, our paths have digressed, but as we have traveled once together we will always be interconnected and despite the long absences, as life is constant journey, we always get to meet at intersections in our life’s journey, still as friends and knowing as we look at each other that somewhere in the past, we have shared a significant human experience together.

By SIGH, M.D. May 12, 2009
3AM
Ospital ng Sampaloc – ER

So Much For Prudence

As kids, we were often taught that we should avoid a lot of bad things. Among them were junk food, carbonated drinks, cigarettes and alcohol. Aside from these, we were also told to sleep early, eat healthy and exercise regularly to ensure that we reach a ripe old age. Furthermore, we were frequently reprimanded from going to parties or traveling to distant places to avoid risks of accidents and brawls which may leave us injured or hurt.

Sure, there is sound wisdom behind this. Countless people living carefree lifestyles have come to a an abrupt screeching halt following some life-altering tragedy. However, my question is, who wants to live forever anyway? Longevity is something many may crave for, but does it mean anything?

Before eyebrows start raising, let me tell you the story of my friend, "Edge."

His name is actually Edgardo but, we all called him Edge. Despite the very cool nickname, he lived his life farthest from the edge. He hailed from one of the old rich families of Manila. They were truly affluent. He had very strict and conservative parents. Edge was a very pampered child. He was quite a comedian but he never came with us to play, nor to parties, nor socialized with girls in soirees. He was not gay. He was just a very obedient kid and never disobeyed his parents' wishes.

In highschool, while most of us began discovering the joys (and hazards) of smoking, drinking, driving without a license, partying til the wee hours in the morning and girls. Our dear friend still stayed the same. No one could cajole him to do otherwise. He had no vices nor any girlfriends but he never complained. He would often say, "I can afford to buy anything I truly want. There will always be time to discover and enjoy all that nonsense when I'm done with school. When that time comes, we can party all we want!" So, whatever qualms, queries or objections we may have had at the time were hushed.

I lost contact with Edge when we entered college. He pursued a business degree in my Alma mater, the Ateneo while I went over and enjoyed what college had to offer at the UP Manila campus in Ermita. Though we occasionally got to talk, Edge didn't change his lifestyle. Parties and reunions came and went sans our funny friend Edge.

After college, I decided to pursue medicine, acquiring a teensy weensy bit of maturity along the way. I, too, became serious with school like my friend whom I heard was learning the ropes of the family business. At that time, I got swamped with textbooks and school work that my once prolific social life came to an unfamiliar halt. I then remembered what Edge used to say, "There will always be time later." This I now followed.

On my last year in med school, I was about to go home from duty in the hospital when I received a surprise call. It was Edge's Mom. My friend was in a hospital and requested to see me. Despite lacking sleep and a proper bath, I rushed to my car and visited him. To my shock, this is what I learned.

Edge officially took over the family business a year off college. The economy was plummeting down and so, he was soon overwhelmed by problems. A year after, he began experiencing episodes of dizziness and headaches. This was followed by occasional nausea and vomiting. He also began to drastically lose weight. Thinking that these were due to all those missed meals and sleepless nights thinking about work, he silently bore the pain and discomfort for almost two and a half years. Then during a business meeting, he had a severe headache and subsequently lost consciousness. He was then brought to a hospital.

In the hospital, Edge was discovered to have a brain tumor. The sad thing was that the tumor was quite large and difficult to remove. His doctors advised him and his family that if surgery were to be attempted, the chances of survival were slim. His parents didn't want surgery but Edge was firm, "I can still think clearly," he said, "if it is my time to die, I want to die fighting."

It was the day before his surgery when Edge learned I was nearby and asked for me to visit him.

He was gaunt and cachectic when I saw him in his hospital suite. He beckoned me closer and told me to sit near him. We started chatting, recounting the days gone by. He asked me to tell him stories of the highschool years, the parties he backed out from, the blind dates we set-up for him where he never showed up and the out of town trips he never got to join. I asked him why he wanted to hear all these? He lamented that before he refrained from going out with us thinking he had all the time in the world. Now he is approaching his end of days knocking on his doorstep and he never got to enjoy life.

He told me something memorable. He said, "Man, I just realized, what's the point of being cautious and prudent? What's the point of trying to stay healthy and aim to live as long as possible when in fact, you haven't done anything worth remembering? Carpe diem! Seize the day! I should have partied with the rest. Now I'm going to die full of regrets. I haven't even got freaking laid!!!!" I laughed, he was still quite a comedian. I reassured him that he'll be fine and to start flirting with the pretty nurses. I even promised to sneak in a couple of beers as soon as he comes back from the operating room to celebrate.

The next day, Edge was wheeled into the operating room. That was the last time I saw Edge alive. During the funeral, Edge's mom handed me a note she found in the hospital suite. Edge left me a note before his operation. It was a short note, characteristically Edge, which I read as part of his eulogy during the service.

"It doesn't matter how long one lives. Who cares if you are 120 but got nothing worth reminiscing about? What matters most is how full you've lived your life! CARPE DIEM!

P.S. Man, where's my FREAKING BEER?????"







SO MUCH FOR PRUDENCE by SIGH, M.D.

.......written while drinking coffee.......
Disclaimer: this story is fictional... any events that may be similar to actual events is purely coincidental.

One Day at the Coffee Shop Jun 4, '05 1:31 AM

It was a very pleasant afternoon. I was sitting in a corner of my favorite cafe. Book in one hand, and iced caramel breve in the other. There was a light drizzle outside on this early June afternoon that made reading such a pleasant escape.

All of a sudden, things changed. through the door walked in a heavenly sight. She was tall, slim with all the right curves in all the right places. I watched her order a drink at the counter. My day seems to have turned for the better.

She got her large cup of hot, steaming cappucino and to my surprise sat at the table directly across mine. I realized after some time that I was being rude because I was staring at her. She must've noticed becaused she started to stare back.

Instinctively, I looked away. But somehow, even though I tried to resist, I couldn't help staring at her face. her face was flawless. She had no make-up on and her skin was so fair. You could even see those small pink blood vessels just beneath the skin. But what was truly enchanting were her eyes. To be particular, it was the black of her eyes that were larger than usual and seemed to imprint on my soul.

I then realized, we were now staring at each other eye to eye. I don't know if it was the weather or the coffee or both, but this time I just kept on staring back. I must have balcked out at some point because I don't recall standing up and walking over. I just found myself sitting right in front of her. She was evidently surprised but was still smiling.

Mustering every ounce of wit and charm, I casually said, " Hi. sorry for intruding on your privacy but it seems we had a moment just a few minutes ago."

"What moment?" she replied, "I don't understand what you are talking about."

I should have gone back to my table with tail tucked between my legs, but she was still grinning at me. So, trying to recover and protect my now bruised ego, I said, " I noticed we were staring at each other. I was wondering whether it was ruggedly good looks or my mysterious aura and charm which made you stare at me."

She suddenly cracked up in a melee of laughter. Her laugh pleasant and to me sounded angelic. When she caught her breath, and her face flushed, she retorted, " Haha! I was right you seemed like someone with a hilarious sense of humor. You're bloody funny!"

Well, despite that single episode of momentary embarrassment trying to be cool in front of a pretty girl, it broke the ice. We started talking and ended the day being friends. My day turned out pretty well indeed.

We now regularly meet at the coffee shop.... especially on rainy days.

So what's the moral of the story? Nothing!

Coffee, Yosi and Harmony

A lot of people find me eccentric, to which I am both proud of and at the same time puzzled by it. For me, eccentricity doesn’t really mean that one is crazy but that one has a bit more personality, something that sets them apart from the rest of the herd. To make it simpler, I am just atypical. My lifestyle alone, needs much to be desired. Over the last 8 years, I have come to develop a habit of hanging out and wasting countless hours outside in coffee shops with a book, laptop and cigarettes just to pass time. Some find it weird why I go out alone and how I could stand staying out for countless hours by myself doing nothing. But for me, this habit has been quite therapeutic.
It is during these times that I get to ponder over things that seem mundane in the fast paced world that doctors live in. Ordinary things about life, love, despair and death sometimes come to mind, although not in that particular order. For some reason, in this secluded spot of mine, the world seems to turn slower than it usually does, and in this slow-motion version of the world, I remember things that I have placed in a secret compartment of my brain which I labeled “for pondering.”
Case in point, I just suddenly remember a patient I had years ago when I was just a medical clerk, a scut monkey as they are called in the western countries. This patient of mine was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. He wasn’t very old, if I remember right, he was around mid 40’s at the time. He had no one with him at the time, no wife or children who would watch over him at the ward when we met. At the time, as a medical clerk, we were the lowest in the medical hierarchy. It was my duty to cater to his every need. There were 40 of us in our group and he was the patient assigned to me. I was not exactly the one trying to cure him. Rather, I was the one who was supposed to check his vital signs every 4 hours, make sure he took his medicines on time, stay on guard daily for any deterioration in his general well being and report to the attending physician if anything goes awry.
Since he was my only patient at the time, I spent a lot of hours at his bedside where we used to chat about everyday things, his life and disease mostly. According to him he used to be a jeepney driver plying the route of cubao – quiapo for almost 20 years since he was old enough to drive. He saved what little he earned until he was able to buy a small lot in his hometown in Pampanga where he built a billiards hall. According to him, it wasn’t large but consisted of 14 decent pool tables. He took pride in his cue sticks since he had them made by the same maker who builds for our home grown No. 1 billiards player, Efren “Bata” Reyes. He earned enough with this small business, enabling him to send his two children to school until tragedy struck. Although he wasn’t a smoker, he was diagnosed with oat cell lung cancer. According to his oncologist, chemotherapy was to be started as soon as possible.
As with most Filipino families, there are always financial constraints when illnesses strike. Most families have money for every day needs, enough to send children to school and to pay the bills, but when something life-threatening as cancer sets in, money will always an issue. My patient was not spared from this dilemma. He and his family were prognosticated well and the general estimate cost of his treatment plan carefully laid out in front of him. As to make ends meet, he decided to sell his most prized possession – his billiards hall which was the fruit of his lifelong of saving as a jeepney driver. When he told me about this, my pity poured out to him. I understood that the billiards hall was supposed to be legacy; the proof and his badge of how he tried to conquer the hardship of growing up poor in a third world country. Then as life challenges him with a terminal disease, he had to choose between keeping his legacy or his chance of prolonging life. With his kids still in high school at the time, he at the time, chose to live.
However, as fate would have it, on the day that he was supposed to have his chemotherapy. He suddenly developed a fever followed by colds. I dutifully reported this to the attending physician who then upon discussion with the oncology fellows and consultants decided to wait for the upper respiratory tract infection to pass before re-initiating chemotherapy which would therefore be delayed by a week. The burden of explaining this was entrusted to me. I could clearly see the depression in his eyes, but he bravely took the sad news.
A couple of hours after, he told me that he was getting homesick and that he was going home first to see his family at Pampanga. He told me that he appreciated my company and that hopefully I would still be his doctor when he gets back. I said I wasn’t really his doctor, I was just a medical student trying to learn the ropes and it was my duty to watch over him during his stay at the hospital. He went home against medical advice the same afternoon.
After a week, we were doing our rounds with our consultant and our residents at the ward at the time. Suddenly, my patient came. He was being pushed on a wheelchail by another medical clerk from the emergency room. He was noisily looking for his doctor. I called my resident who was his attending physician last time and told her that the patient was under our service before and was most probably looking for her. She greeted the patient in front of the other doctors who were present at the time in the middle of the ward. He said bluntly, “I am not looking for you, where is the doctor who was attending to me during my last admission?” Another resident told him that she was already there in front of him but he said, “ No, not her, the male doctor who I was always talking to.” Then he spotted me sitting near a bed at the back and pointed at me, “There, doc, I have something for you!” I was surprised and slightly embarrassed as all my superiors were there at the time. He handed me a very large leather package which at that time I really didn’t know what it contained. But as I grasped the package, I immediately recognized what he has given, a custom made cue stick in a very elaborately designed leather casing. I tried to give it back but he defiantly refused. He told me that from the billiards hall that he sold, he kept only 3 cue sticks which were the most expensive from the ones he had made from the maker of Efren “Bata” Reyes. I told him that I could not possibly receive such an expensive gift after knowing fully well how he lost everything he had for his treatment.
He then simply said, “I really don’t intend to have my chemotherapy anymore, I have decided that I would invest the money I have left in a trust fund so that my children would have money for their college fund. I love my children so much that I must leave them something to be able to lead a better life. I just passed by to give this to you.” I told him that he needed to have chemotherapy and he said that his time in the hospital a week ago was the most frightening experience for him, knowing he had a terminal disease and being surrounded by illness and death. He stayed in a charity ward where one could see what was happening to other patients. He has never been hospitalized before but according to him since I was there eager to listen to his stories and encourage him when he felt weak in spirit, he felt less alone and he felt that he was being well cared for. He thanked me for helping him slowly accept his condition and told me that he decided to spend his remaining months enjoying life with his wife and children. He then left smiling, happy despite being told that he has roughly six months to live.
After six years, I still remember that patient of mine. That was a profound experience that has taught me three important things about life and about my vocation.
a. The true meaning of love is selflessness, where one will be willing to give up his life just for love.
b. We are all walking towards the same destination, death. But the one who has accepted death is the one truly prepared to enjoy life.
c. Being a doctor is not just providing the right medications for a disease. Sometimes, just spending time with your patient in his time, listening to what he needs is cure enough.
So as I sit in a coffee shop or some quiet nook and cranny that I discovered nearby to find solitude, I think of these and other countless things that make me appreciate life. Thus, when the fast-pace of the real world comes back to me…. I light a cigarette, then I smile and say, BRING IT ON!